So there, those are my excuses. But that isn't the point.
Today I was just chillin reading my book and I realized how happy everyone was. And also how happy I wasn't. Everyone in my book was happy just hanging out with their friends and I looked at the world around me and everyone seemed to just be happy being with their friends. That is what crushed me. I don't have that kind of people as friends. My friends are kind of low key anything goes sort of people, which is completely unlike me.
I don't really do anything with anyone because I don't do anything with anyone from church because I don't go to the same school as them. All of my friends from school live too far away. It wasn't always like that though. There was a time when I was friends with everyone. I had friends at school and friends at church, but now that I go into high school, it's like I've crossed this invisible line and I can't have both.
It isn't really a sad feeling. I have friends who are fun to be around. It is more of an empty feeling. There is a hole in me and I can't really figure out how to fill it or stitch it up. It is just there and I can't do anything but let it get bigger.
Maybe my personality changed since I was younger. I thought it was changed for the better but maybe I have turned myself into some boring android. I hate to think of it like that but sometimes it kind of feels that way. I do talk, but I just feel like I have nothing to say and nothing in common with the people that I am associating with.
I never thought of myself as boring, I thought of myself as unique, you know the way that everyone wants to be.
I am making a goal to end this frustration though. I want to say hi to at least 2 strangers a day. Or at church to actually have a conversation instead of an awkward exchange of greetings and salutations.
I am hoping that maybe that hole in me might get filled that way. Filled and stitched up.
Aaw. I feel like this sometimes, because I'm not really attached to the friends in my nieghborhood while they are at church. But sometimes there are those light days when my friends make my day for me. You should do something nice for your friends, and maybe they'll have the sense to do something back.
ReplyDeleteHaha thanks for your comment, you always make me feel better.
ReplyDelete~Nicole
Nicole,
ReplyDeleteI admire you so much. Instead of wallowing in self-pity because you occasionally feel empty, you make goals to bring yourself out of the emptiness. You're awesome. Not many 13-14 year olds have motivation like you. I'm sorry you're feeling this way, though. I bet it's horrible, feeling like you don't have any "BFF friends." But, Patricia's right, service has a habit of making people feel better. Keep on posting. Happy fall,
The OTHER Nicole :)
Thanks Nicole! You are one of those amazing people who just make everyone happy, even someone who you have never really met in person. You are so creative and funny. It is always nice to know someone like you. And I know that this comment is replying to Nicole, but you are amazing too Patricia! You are both such great friends and influences.
ReplyDelete~Nicole