I have been sick for all of September. My throat has been uncooperative with my wants to sing and talk. I have kind of been taking a break from blogging lately since I have been so busy and I didn't have anything to say.
So there, those are my excuses. But that isn't the point.
Today I was just chillin reading my book and I realized how happy everyone was. And also how happy I wasn't. Everyone in my book was happy just hanging out with their friends and I looked at the world around me and everyone seemed to just be happy being with their friends. That is what crushed me. I don't have that kind of people as friends. My friends are kind of low key anything goes sort of people, which is completely unlike me.
I don't really do anything with anyone because I don't do anything with anyone from church because I don't go to the same school as them. All of my friends from school live too far away. It wasn't always like that though. There was a time when I was friends with everyone. I had friends at school and friends at church, but now that I go into high school, it's like I've crossed this invisible line and I can't have both.
It isn't really a sad feeling. I have friends who are fun to be around. It is more of an empty feeling. There is a hole in me and I can't really figure out how to fill it or stitch it up. It is just there and I can't do anything but let it get bigger.
Maybe my personality changed since I was younger. I thought it was changed for the better but maybe I have turned myself into some boring android. I hate to think of it like that but sometimes it kind of feels that way. I do talk, but I just feel like I have nothing to say and nothing in common with the people that I am associating with.
I never thought of myself as boring, I thought of myself as unique, you know the way that everyone wants to be.
I am making a goal to end this frustration though. I want to say hi to at least 2 strangers a day. Or at church to actually have a conversation instead of an awkward exchange of greetings and salutations.
I am hoping that maybe that hole in me might get filled that way. Filled and stitched up.