Peter Pan Was Right

Sometimes I remember that this blog exists and I immediately recall 12 year old me thinking that someday I would be a famous blogger and earn barrels of money... Yeah, blogging isn't even cool anymore. Anyway, this blog is kind of an outlet for me even if I only use it once a decade :/
Most of my life recently has been me saying goodbye to childhood. It's been difficult, especially because I have to grow up a year early and do a ton of adult things that I for sure could have waited a year to do. The older I get the more I realize that Peter Pan was right. I long for the good days of my childhood where everything was simpler and the only thing that I had to worry about was who to play with that day. Life moves on swiftly.

With the years that have gone by I look back and see how much I have changed as well. Some good things some bad, but also some painful experiences that have shaped me and made me a bit less vulnerable. I have been hurt, but I have also had many healing influences. Somehow they got me to where I am. I loved being a child and growing up has been so hard to let go of that and realize that I can't go back and that people expect some version of me that doesn't even exist. Everyone imagines me as the girl who has it all together and who never lets her grades slip. But when I am completely honest with myself, that girl isn't even real. I can barely take care of myself emotionally much less physically or academically. My life is a whirlwind of debilitating depression and trying to get even the smallest tasks done. It is never easy and I think that having to be an adult makes it harder as there is so much more required of you on a daily basis.

I am working on being the best version of myself, but days like this are hard. It is so hard to remember my goals and hold on to the best parts of myself and letting go of the bad parts. I know that life isn't easy and that I will definitely make mistakes, but for now I am just trying to get through. I have faith in God's love for me that he can help me to get through the hard times and back to the good even if I have to deal with difficult changes.

I hope you will take time to take care of yourself and remember that you are amazing. :)

Smatterings

Okay, this is my first post in like three years! I don't really know if anyone will read this. Maybe it is just my shout in the oblivion and maybe this is just for my own sake. But I don't know if it matters whether the world sees this or not. So whether I am spaking to the empty void or whether you are a person, here goes. Now that I am writing, I am not even sure what I want this blog to be anymore. Probably just smattering of life. Messy, scary, and also beautiful beyond comprehension or comparisson.
Today I would like to share a few lines from one of my favorite plays and I am sure you will all know what it is from.
"To be or not to be. To die, to sleep, perchance to dream"
Everyone has heard thesee words before, but I think that the meaning is often overlooked. How can we go on living in a world where nothing that we do seems to make a difference. With the growing rate of clinical depression in the US I think this is a question that many people find themselves asking. In the end I believe that Hamlet finds the answer to his question.
"Draw your breath in pain and tell my story"
I interpret that to mean that you have to make a story for yourself that is worth telling. I know the English scholars will grimace when I say that because I think it is  something that Shakespeare didn't even intend to communicate. But for me it means that you give your life meaning.
When you find something that you're passionate about it brings a meaning to your life. So I want to say that once you find something you really enjoy, don't give it up for anything. Hold on to it because people will try to take it away, but your passion makes you. It fills you with light and can change the world.